How could this be?

Corey

The day you came into this crazy world was the day that my life was forever changed. You made my lifelong dreams come true; you made me a mom. Up to that  point it was the biggest, most awesome life altering event I have ever experienced, and you know I am not a big fan of changes. But oh how blessed I was to have you. I am humbled to be your mama, and I’ve loved you more than anything since the day you were born. I have loved you every single moment of your life. It has been both painful and exciting to see you grow into the beautiful woman/mom that you are today.  Painful because I wanted to just freeze time and memorize your sweet voice, remember every detail of your tiny fingers and toes. I wanted to always remember your funny faces, your laugh, and your joyful passion for life. Painful because I wanted the moments of you crying when I left for work to last forever but painful because I never wanted to see you hurt. Painful because I know how precious time is. I wanted time to slow down some so that we could live those cherished days a little longer. But it’s also been exciting too. It was exciting to watch you roll over for the first time, find you toes, sit up, then stand. And even more exciting to hear you talk ( what was I thinking when I encouraged you to talk lol), see you walk, then run. It was exciting to see you learn to ride a bike and run through the sprinklers, to see you eat ice cream and comfort your little friends or teach them to speak correctly. It was exciting to see you learn to read and learn to fish and play and to love people. Now all these years later I pray for your future and I pray that God gives me the strength I need to let you be a grown up and all that comes with that. God knows I needed you in my life to help me become a better person, the person I needed to be and save me from myself. You did that for sure. From the sleepless nights when you were just a baby to the times I couldn’t take my eyes off of you when you were a crazy teenager. From the first time I heard your little laugh to all the times when you almost killed me post op with fits of laughter. From the times that you were inconsolable and I had no idea what I was doing to the times when only I could make things all better. I have loved you deeper than the depths of the ocean, and more than all the stars in the sky. Being your mom has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. Know that I will love you forever, be here for you always, and always hold onto you with all my might. I love you to the moon & back. Until the last star burns out...and even then. There may be times when I can’t physically be here for you but know that I always wish I could be. No matter how our lives change you will always be my first born, my first love, my Corey Jean Jelly Bean. I’m excited to see what the future holds for you. You’ve grown up on me in what seems like a blink of an eye ... I  hope the days slow down soon ...happy birthday Jelly Bean!

My baby is growing up on me

Jessica sweet 16
How can it be possible that exactly sixteen years have passed since the first time I held you in my arms? I waited for what seemed an eternity for you to be born and yet the last 16 years have gone by in what seems like a blink of an eye. I remember every detail about your birth, and often replay that day in my head – wishing I could go back and relive it one more time. You are my baby ; the one who almost killed me but made our family complete. You have created a love inside of me so fierce, so unbreakable, so unending, and so unconditional. I am incredibly lucky to have been chosen to be your mom. I really must have done something right in life to have been given an a awesome child like you.

You have grown into an amazing young woman. You are so beautiful, strong beyond belief, smart, and loved by everyone. You shine in everything you do.

Please know how incredibly proud I am of you. I know I have been hard on you and not as involved as I wish I could have at times but that doesn't change how much I love you. I set high expectations that you sometimes feel are impossible to reach. Let me reassure you that you have never ever disappointed me. I set those expectations because I want you to achieve everything you have ever wanted. I want all of your greatest dreams to come true. I never want you to feel undeserving of anything, because you deserve the absolute best that life has to offer.

I want you to keep the confidence you have now, and continue to try new things; to meet new people and experience all the amazing things life has to offer. You never know what door will open if you just allow yourself to be vulnerable & put yourself out there. You will make mistakes, but it’s okay because that’s how you learn lessons and become a better person. I’ve certainly made my share of them and then some, and still make plenty of them today. Those mistakes create the path to teach us and allow us to grow so don't be too hard on yourself.

To be honest, you have probably taught me more than I think I’ve taught you. You’ve taught me patience, oh boy have you lol. I’ve learned that screaming at each other often accomplishes nothing except frustration. Listening and biting my tongue are much more effective. I’ll probably still get upset and frustrated with you. I’ll probably still lecture you simply because I am your mom and that’s what we do. I’ve also learned from you to not sweat the small things. You rarely get involved in any gossip or drama and are always true to yourself. You have never really cared what people think of you. You choose to see the good in people, and stand up for others even when you are standing alone. By following your examples, my life has become much simpler and less stressful.

It amazes me how people are drawn to you and your amazing laugh. I admire your quiet strength in the way you accept the unfair things that have happen to you. You keep moving forward, never letting them drag you down.

I hope your birthday is everything you dreamed it could be. Remember how loved you are. You are my sweet baby, your daddy’s little girl, your sisters’ heart, your brother's favorite  pain in the ass , your uncle's favorite in general and you're your niece’s  first  choice when she is looking  to annoy someone. We will all always be here for you and will always be your biggest fans.

Your story is just beginning. I can’t wait to watch you write it. I love you more than all the stars in the sky, and more than all the fish in the sea. My baby you will always be! I love you  baby girl and loved spending your birthday with you. Happy birthday!

All those resources

The difficult reality is that people are judgemental of what they don't understand so I'm hoping to explain how one normal family can become homeless. . My life is difficult enough so bashing or negative comments aren't needed. I try to keep or at least attempt to keep a positive outlook on life and stay hopeful that soon things will change for the better and our lives will regain some normalcy and stability . I struggle with it sometimes especially when we're surviving day by day, hand to mouth, unsure if we will even have our basic human needs met each day additionally my increasing health issues add a sad uncertainty and fear to this difficulty coupled with the ignorance and judgment of the people within our community... some days are easier than others. I will give you the short version of my family's story. In August of 2015 I awoke to my bedroom on fire. It didn't take long for the fire to spread resulting in a total loss & taking the life of Romeo our family dog. Over the next year while grieving the loss of our dog & home, our then 4 generation family we moved four times into temporary living arrangements while rebuilding our home. The happiness of completing the rebuild & moving back home was short lived because shortly after our baby girl got really sick. I never imagined my family would ever have to choose between getting medical  care or paying our mortgage. With our savings depleted from the moves we had to make that tough choice after exhausting all other options. In Nov 2017 our lender foreclosed leaving us homeless. We were living in a shed in my friends backyard until Code Enforcement impounded our cars and forced us out into the streets. We have lived in Rancho Cordova since 1990, DON'T DRINK OR USE DRUGS and since  we owned our house over 10 years I would say we're not financially irresponsible. We have been unable to find any resources or programs to help us and do not qualify for government assistance so we're pretty much on our own. Just like a lot of you would be if faced with a financial crisis or even a temporary loss of income. There's no resources or help available and the shelter list is long. I've been on it since Nov 2017 and have been told it's likely that I'll be waiting another 1-2 yrs. We have never been in a position like this. Normally, we're the ones helping those in need whether with clothes​, food, gas/ride or a place for a family going through a temporary setback to stay to avoid a complete calapse.

Being homeless contributed to my marriage to the man I had been with for 23 yrs finally failing. We recently  separated and I plan to file for divorce soon. My family now consists of myself and my 16 year old daughter who is fighting cancer for the 2nd time. Until she got cancer again my daughter was an amazing student .. an   A/B student, had almost perfect attendance, offered free tutoring, played soccer and she was and is well mannered.  It breaks my heart and hurts my soul in a way I can't even begin to articulate that we are even in this kind of position. The truth is simple though, when faced with a financial setbacks or crisis there isn't many options or resources available so if you don't have family or a large available credit line to rescue you then you're probably going to need a tent and some thick skin...but don't worry I'm sure your neighbors won't judge you and you'll find some help from all those resources you speak of.....

 

Secret Sadness

My life has always been crazy busy but despite the horrific things that I've overcome  I feel that I  have had a happy, abundant life . I feel that the best times of my life are in the past; they are mere memories; memories that are quickly fading. I can't rewind time I can only move forward but I'm scared of what awaits me. I have a bucket list that I secretly fear I'll never get to the end of and the way its changed over the last few years greatly saddens me. I never thought my bucket list would include things like have a pain free day to clean my closet out of my business clothes since my career is over. Complete all my physical therapy home exercises all in one day. Get on a night sleeping schedule. I used to have things like run a half marathon. Run a full marathon. Write a book. Take an art class. Hike Mnt Shasta. Travel to Ireland & Scotland. It's sad how vicious this disease is and how it changes ones life, ones bucket list. It's like a cancer that never kills you. It robs your life of real happiness & real living. It leaves you weak, injured & in pain. Vulnerable like a bird without feathers, unable to fly. My memory is fading and it terrifies me that I now depend more on the memories & perception of those around me than what I know as my own truth. It's forced me into putting my hopes & dreams aside, managing pain moment to moment praying for enough pain free moments & the energy to shower & brush my hair/teeth each day before 3pm. Things I used to take for granted now require my entire days energy just to get through and quite often things just don't get done. I take nothing for granted anymore. I am grateful that I can hug my children, make a meal, pick up a cup of coffee, even if these things bring me pain that nobody can really see or that they could even begin to understand. I pray they find the cause of these illnesses soon so they can find the cure. I pray that its not too late to restore my diminished mind and heal my broken body. There's so many things I'd still like to do, to experience , to get done, to enjoy. It's hard to enjoy life or put a smile on my face when my life is filled with so much pain. When everything hurts, even things that shouldn't hurt hurt, a hug, a gentle caress, a thoughtful pat on the back, a loving touch, the feel of my clothes against my body. I didn't know until recently that ones eye lashes could even hurt. I don't want to live my days by the clock, the medication schedule dictating when I can move & when a loving touch will hurt. I'm not sure that without the unconditional love of my children & family that this pain would be worth enduring. I endure this pain that has become as much a part of my life as breathing because to escape it would mean forever hurting my children, family & my best friend. I know this hurts them too but it is the lesser of the two evils. Corey knew me & knows what kind of mother I was before this condition took my life away but Rae-Rae just thinks she got a short stick & a bad mom. I know Coreys heart hurts because she knows what I've lost, how I've changed & knows how much it hurts me that I can't be the same kind of mom to Rae-Rae that I was to her. I'm sorry that she has to hurt over this too. I wish with every bit of my being that I could be that mom, that self confident hard working, pride filled women that people looked up to again. I wish Rae-Rae could feel better about herself & at times I feel responsible for her unhappiness. Children should be happy, should know without question that their momma loves them & would do anything to see them smile, to hear them laugh & spends every free moment with them. It pains me that I can't be that mom to her. That's probably one the worse thing this vicious condition has taken from me....aside from my sister.

One of those people

 Some people talk about the homeless like "those people" are some sort of subhuman class of people. Most are not the strerotypical drug addict, mentally ill or alcoholic, they are people, families just like you and me that couldn't overcome the financial hurdle they were hit with. None of us are immune to life and in what seems like an instant could be in the very situation that we so readily judge and punish another for being in.The possibility of  being homeless is a real threat to almost every middle class / low income earners/disabled/retired.. The reality is that the vast majority — 93 percent — of homeless people living in my city were either born here, or are long-time residents. Only about 7 percent of homeless people moved to here within the last year. While the majority of people without housing are single adults, families with children represent 20 percent of all people experiencing homelessness. There's 372 families with children — 451 adults and 688 children living on the streets outside or staying in a shelter. Additionally, about 8 percent of homeless people are unaccompanied youths under the age of 18. Only 9 percent of homeless people use alcohol or drugs. Apx. 1 in 5 have mental health condition such as severe depression or schizophrenia. 1 in 5 homeless people are 55 or older.

We all have our struggles and go through difficult times and we must come together as  compassionate humans to take care of one another's basic needs. If not for the sake of decency or to lead us into a successful future as a collective society then what good is society and what  does our future hold for us?

Interestingly statistics show the average American family is 2 pay checks away from a financial disaster. I pray that you never have to find out just how close you are to being homeless or that you never have to fully understand how lost and broken it feels to be homeless. . In a very short time I went from enjoying the American dream & a relatively normal life to living a nightmare that has quickly became my living reality. I had a house fire causing me and my family to move 4 times in a year while rebuilding our house which drained our savings leaving us no safely net. The next challenge came before we could recover from the financial hardship of the fire. Sometimes we are given hard choices in life & when my 14 yr old daughter got cancer I had to make the choice between getting her to her appointments for medical care and paying the mortgage. With no savings & an already strained budget I couldn't afford both. I tried to get a loan modification but before I could our lender foreclosed on our house leaving us homeless. I don't drink or do drugs, I'm am just a regular person who fell on hard times  and became homeless because I couldn't regain my financial stability between hardships.

I now have a $0 (the sale paid the loan off) forclosure on my credit coupled with the fact that I am disability means I didn’t  meet the minimum qualifications most properties require. The challenge was not just finding someone willing to rent to me but it's difficult to save that kind of money while still surviving with my daughter who has cancer again. Most security deposits are 2x'mo. rent plus the 1st month rent and application fee so your basic ghetto apartment is well over $4000 to move into in addition to utility deposits... ....... Could you afford that today ? Or could you pay 3 months rent/mortgage all at once after renting a truck, storage unit, paying utility deposits and shelling out gas money to move? How about after doing that 4 times in 1 year?? Well I couldn’t and it took 2 years to get back on my feet and get an apartment. So if you are wondering how "those people" end up in this position I hope this has enlightened you and helps you understand how a family could become homeless or at least gets you thinking about how even you yourself could become homeless.. If not you'll be in our prayers.

I am who I am

Life has knocked me down a few times challenging my strength and testing my faith. I  have experienced loss in abundance, and more than my share of struggles which reminds me of my resilience. No matter how many times life has me down on my knees I always get up. I'm creative, artistic, love drawing, photography, writing & I love to be in nature. My granddaughter is the love of my life & my daughters are my life. I have a lot to say, most of it is rubbish, but I'll say it anyways. If I were 4 years old I would be rattling off trivialities like my favorite color or cartoon character but I’m not 4 anymore & I won’t describe myself in that manner so I will present me just how I see myself. I have a black belt degree in smartass and I’m a few credits short of a masters in bitch-ology. My smart mouth always gets me in trouble and if it is not my mouth, it’s my facial expressions!

I will laugh at you if you do something stupid, but I will cry with you when you are sad or hurt. I am caring & I am a good friend. I am very observant, especially of unique people and I can spot fake people from a mile away. I find odd stuff & old people intreging. I could sit & people watch all day as long as I had a big cup of tea & a few cigarettes.

I've got a dirty mind, with all my imperfections I'm still sexy and seductive.  I am willing to try anything twice . I'm a caring friend with a potty mouth and I'm a smart ass at times. I've got a good heart and kind soul for such a sinner. I'm a tomboy but I love leather, lace and pearls. I'm short tempered & I can be impatient at times (OK a lot) and can be quite the bitch if you push the wrong button or push the right button at the wrong time. I always stand up for the underdog and I am not afraid to offend, embarrass, piss off or disrespect someone that is wrong or doing someone dirty. I believe in being honest but I attempt to do it tactfully, it doesn’t always work out so well but I do try. I'm not afraid to die but I am terrified of being old one day. I like music of all kinds. I am sarcastic. I have a pretty dark sense of humor but I'm a nice & caring person and I've been told I'm thoughtful and helpful.. I don't like reality but I live here so what am I to do but deal with it. I love thunder & lightning. I'm an animal lover & I've had many kinds of pets, one my mother diced up by accident. It was a frog. I don't eat her beans anymore. I currently have a dog. I believe in living fast and dying young. I own my reality without apology. I see goodness in the world. I'm Bold. I'm fierce. I'm grateful. I'm wild, crazy and gloriously free.

I'm sometimes shy when meeting people for the first time but I'm outgoing when you get to know me. I learned the hard way at a very young age that I cannot count on others to take care of me so I'm strong, self-reliant & not at all emotionally needy. I won't coddle you nor will I allow you to coddle me.  I know that I could've been a better parent.
But I know one thing for sure, I have amazing children & I'm happy when I am with them. I believe in karma, fairies, mermaids  & the magic of intention. I trust my gut, have a strong intuition & listen to my inner-self. I'm controlling and I have erratic mood swings. I am utterly stubborn. Weak or needy people irritate me.  I am more interested in life than death.  The older I get the less sure who I am or what I really want out of life. I've made mistakes in my life oh boy have I made mistakes .
 I've let people take advantage of me & I've accepted way less than I deserve for far to long. But, I've learned from my bad choices
 Even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I will no longer settle for anything less than I deserve.
Love me or hate me but know that nobody will ever change me. Most people couldn't handle half of what I've dealt with. There's a reason I do the things I do, there's a reason I am who I am...accept me or turn and  walk away err I run and run very fast lol

No on prop 8

The last year has been a very challenging year for us all. The economy sucks, gas prices are high, foreclosures common, and in general there is a bleak outlook for the upcoming new year. So if you are still with me then lets talk about another subject that has added to the stress of our every days lives; prop 8. This proposition in my opinion does not effect my marriage to a man (I am a woman) and does not change the warm, safe or intimate relationship that my husband and I have. This proposition was beat down by people (again my opinion) that are selfish, closed minded, and fear equality. These people are in the same bucket as the people fighting to keep segregation in our schools 50 years ago.

I have often wondered over the last few months if perhaps this thing goes farther that what is being said. Lets say that opposite sex marriages were legal in all 50 states, how would our lives change? What are our fears around this? Do we fear we would would have to explain sexuality to our children? Too late, by the time most children are 5 they know there are straight people and there are gay people and may even know if they are are gay or straight. They may not know the whole story but don't worry soon enough their friends will educate them if we as parents don't. Let go of fear, it serves no productive purpose.

Is our fear that taxes will go up? We all know the tax deduction for 2 single people filing separate is quite a bit different than 2 married people filing together. Does that extra taxable income give big brother just enough cushion to not press the issue on raising taxes and give you an excuse to justify ones unhappiness? Taxes should be equal, no matter who you share your love, life and money with. The solution to our financial issues should not be solved by slamming it to the next guy.

I have heard people say that it just isn't right. Who am I to say what someone does in their home is wrong? The last time I tried to walk on water I nearly drown. Can I come into your home and judge you for what you choose?

We all live on this planet, lets live well together. Lets live without fear. Lets not do what we have always done, reject anything new, non traditional. For a moment think of the happiness of your neighbor, co-worker, friend, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, who ever it may be that we are dening happiness and choice to. Let's let everyone chose their own happiness.