Secret Sadness

My life has always been crazy busy but despite the horrific things that I've overcome  I feel that I  have had a happy, abundant life . I feel that the best times of my life are in the past; they are mere memories; memories that are quickly fading. I can't rewind time I can only move forward but I'm scared of what awaits me. I have a bucket list that I secretly fear I'll never get to the end of and the way its changed over the last few years greatly saddens me. I never thought my bucket list would include things like have a pain free day to clean my closet out of my business clothes since my career is over. Complete all my physical therapy home exercises all in one day. Get on a night sleeping schedule. I used to have things like run a half marathon. Run a full marathon. Write a book. Take an art class. Hike Mnt Shasta. Travel to Ireland & Scotland. It's sad how vicious this disease is and how it changes ones life, ones bucket list. It's like a cancer that never kills you. It robs your life of real happiness & real living. It leaves you weak, injured & in pain. Vulnerable like a bird without feathers, unable to fly. My memory is fading and it terrifies me that I now depend more on the memories & perception of those around me than what I know as my own truth. It's forced me into putting my hopes & dreams aside, managing pain moment to moment praying for enough pain free moments & the energy to shower & brush my hair/teeth each day before 3pm. Things I used to take for granted now require my entire days energy just to get through and quite often things just don't get done. I take nothing for granted anymore. I am grateful that I can hug my children, make a meal, pick up a cup of coffee, even if these things bring me pain that nobody can really see or that they could even begin to understand. I pray they find the cause of these illnesses soon so they can find the cure. I pray that its not too late to restore my diminished mind and heal my broken body. There's so many things I'd still like to do, to experience , to get done, to enjoy. It's hard to enjoy life or put a smile on my face when my life is filled with so much pain. When everything hurts, even things that shouldn't hurt hurt, a hug, a gentle caress, a thoughtful pat on the back, a loving touch, the feel of my clothes against my body. I didn't know until recently that ones eye lashes could even hurt. I don't want to live my days by the clock, the medication schedule dictating when I can move & when a loving touch will hurt. I'm not sure that without the unconditional love of my children & family that this pain would be worth enduring. I endure this pain that has become as much a part of my life as breathing because to escape it would mean forever hurting my children, family & my best friend. I know this hurts them too but it is the lesser of the two evils. Corey knew me & knows what kind of mother I was before this condition took my life away but Rae-Rae just thinks she got a short stick & a bad mom. I know Coreys heart hurts because she knows what I've lost, how I've changed & knows how much it hurts me that I can't be the same kind of mom to Rae-Rae that I was to her. I'm sorry that she has to hurt over this too. I wish with every bit of my being that I could be that mom, that self confident hard working, pride filled women that people looked up to again. I wish Rae-Rae could feel better about herself & at times I feel responsible for her unhappiness. Children should be happy, should know without question that their momma loves them & would do anything to see them smile, to hear them laugh & spends every free moment with them. It pains me that I can't be that mom to her. That's probably one the worse thing this vicious condition has taken from me....aside from my sister.